To Binge

I've come so far, to only get sucked back in
the loneliness pulls and so i begin..

Yeah, topics/issues aside its really time to take a step back here. A step back that is unnecessary, but i suppose in many regards is very necessary (I'm good at making nonsense at times like these). Right now the pull on the hollow of my chest causes my soul to ache. I can't control it, its that feeling of being let down when you know you absolutely should not be, taking others actions personally. Its the first boyfriend in 7th grade you were so excited to have, that dumped you a week later. (STUPID ANALOGY WARNING) But honestly, I feel like I went too far alone in this endeavor, and ended up realizing how alone I would end up. Its all too hard to keep a handle on reality at this point, night time is the worst, being home is the worst. I could pretend to see the positives, but this place for what its worth is no longer my home. "Home is where the heart is.." I have no idea where my heart is, and the hollowing in my chest echos with each step as I run toward a dream, for a frantic glimpse of "home." 
I have a hard time believing that Dorothy Gale was ever right at all about home being in your own back yard, for me it has not been so because I've looked there. It was the first place I looked, and the first place I lost it all. I've been lost for so long the idea of coming home drives me mad with frustration and discouragement. Trapped in this continual battle with entities of the compass rose set out to teach me a lesson of sorts.
... Right now, I find myself wondering will it ever be different for me? Some days feel so different the optimism grows, in the company of those who make me feel complete, the good friends. How few they are and how rarely do I get to see them. I am so used to being alone, being a lone wolf going my own way and doing my own thing I never get hurt that way - it never matters either way if I have people surrounding me. That is my gift as an introvert, however when I pick up on a promising relationship and run with it only to find I've gone so far in my head alone, and feel the pull, the sadness, the reality that I am in even this possibility of home, alone.
I stop again, maybe this is not so far fetched. What I am striving for, what I am desiring to make my own reality, to find home and love is not so much to ask for rather, it is exactly within my human nature to desire this and there is nothing wrong. (So I tell myself.)
And now I ask myself, when people view me do they see the loneliness welling up in my eyes, can they hear the echo from the hollowing of my chest? I doubt it however, when the right person does come along they'll notice and want to take action. Maybe they'll scoop me up and give me a home, and fill my chest with the warm breath of love. I can only hope and dream for this, as I frantically chase the glimmers of coming home; walking in the door into the warm, loving arms as he whispers, "what took you so long?"


eesh, I'm going to feel this later still. Oh well.