Direction Detection!

After reading a good friends blog, about seeking direction and experience in life, I began to reflect upon my own life and where I thought it was that I was headed. I've been dabbling in the sciences now for sometime, trying to seek a direction toward a career, only considering nursing- baseline, yet extremely helpful careers. I never considered actually researching CAREERS, I mean, they must have told me that at least a million times in high school, but who really knows then? It wasn't until a few months ago, when I started looking at different majors at UNH, that one really caught me, pulled me in, and swallowed me whole. Neuroscience and Behavior. A combination of Psychology and Science, the study of neurons! the electrical wiring of our bodies, that have only really just began to be understood. As I read, all my neurons were firing, as if to say: "THIS IS IT!"
  How wonderful a feeling. And this, was something I found on my own! Something that called to me and said: "Hey you! you like this, you find this interesting sure some may say that it will be a challenge, and it probably will be. BUT, you can be passionate about it and all the rest will fall into place from there."
  I still cannot believe it, it seems so obvious now- and I haven't even begun this journey, but I've got a good feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've found a good direction for myself to head. I've even found a program at the University of Illinois at Chicago, that is a two year fellowship training program in behavioral neurology and neuropsychiatry. Finally putting pieces together, and moving forward. :)
   As my friend heads off globe trotting, I only begin a journey into the workings of the human electrical wiring and the behaviors it provokes! Well, cheers to that!






 

Gravity

Some days I consider myself lucky. Those days, I am lying to myself. Though my time is spread out it is all the same. We all need to find our way, and we find it through different avenues all leading to the same place. We meet people who profoundly change our lives for what seems the worst, but ends the better. We struggle, we fail, we cry, we loose. But we are not losers, for those who truly succeed keep trying and it is not without the help from those who feel the pain, who know the pain. Those that see it in your eyes and are only waiting for you to say so yourself.
With this post I hope to reach out. To let a stranger, or someone near and dear, know that they are not alone! That even a complete stranger like myself will be available if need be. It is whatever works for the individual; sometimes though, the gravity is just too much.

                                                     YOU ARE LOVED. be well.

To Binge

I've come so far, to only get sucked back in
the loneliness pulls and so i begin..

Yeah, topics/issues aside its really time to take a step back here. A step back that is unnecessary, but i suppose in many regards is very necessary (I'm good at making nonsense at times like these). Right now the pull on the hollow of my chest causes my soul to ache. I can't control it, its that feeling of being let down when you know you absolutely should not be, taking others actions personally. Its the first boyfriend in 7th grade you were so excited to have, that dumped you a week later. (STUPID ANALOGY WARNING) But honestly, I feel like I went too far alone in this endeavor, and ended up realizing how alone I would end up. Its all too hard to keep a handle on reality at this point, night time is the worst, being home is the worst. I could pretend to see the positives, but this place for what its worth is no longer my home. "Home is where the heart is.." I have no idea where my heart is, and the hollowing in my chest echos with each step as I run toward a dream, for a frantic glimpse of "home." 
I have a hard time believing that Dorothy Gale was ever right at all about home being in your own back yard, for me it has not been so because I've looked there. It was the first place I looked, and the first place I lost it all. I've been lost for so long the idea of coming home drives me mad with frustration and discouragement. Trapped in this continual battle with entities of the compass rose set out to teach me a lesson of sorts.
... Right now, I find myself wondering will it ever be different for me? Some days feel so different the optimism grows, in the company of those who make me feel complete, the good friends. How few they are and how rarely do I get to see them. I am so used to being alone, being a lone wolf going my own way and doing my own thing I never get hurt that way - it never matters either way if I have people surrounding me. That is my gift as an introvert, however when I pick up on a promising relationship and run with it only to find I've gone so far in my head alone, and feel the pull, the sadness, the reality that I am in even this possibility of home, alone.
I stop again, maybe this is not so far fetched. What I am striving for, what I am desiring to make my own reality, to find home and love is not so much to ask for rather, it is exactly within my human nature to desire this and there is nothing wrong. (So I tell myself.)
And now I ask myself, when people view me do they see the loneliness welling up in my eyes, can they hear the echo from the hollowing of my chest? I doubt it however, when the right person does come along they'll notice and want to take action. Maybe they'll scoop me up and give me a home, and fill my chest with the warm breath of love. I can only hope and dream for this, as I frantically chase the glimmers of coming home; walking in the door into the warm, loving arms as he whispers, "what took you so long?"


eesh, I'm going to feel this later still. Oh well.

Oh, here we go. Here we go. Oh, Here we go again, here we go again.

Well, I suppose it's been a long time coming. I have re-entered the blog-o-sphere with more purpose for good than ever. This begin the first of many blogs, let me just say that it is indeed final's week. So, if one can easily conclude that I am under-rested and over-caffeinated. The normal equilibrium of sleep/caffeine is way off. And currently, I am finding new ways to avoid my work, like oh I don't know.. Starting a blog?? HA! good one huh?


Anyways, I haven't given this much of a purpose yet, but I would like to start with this cause that I am getting behind to stop pornography! Please, take the time to consider what is actually going on in the live of there PEOPLE, these WOMEN, who are constantly degraded on camera to earn money and gain a form of approval. Not meaning to get preachy on the first post, however this issue has become near and dear to me and whether or not you agree, or like it, it effects us all. Usually negatively.

Sasha Grey on Tyra^ This changed my life maybe it will yours? Who am I to say though.